Overparenting or The Challenge of Struggle

I am going to stray from my normal topic - nontraditional studentism - and address something I see as a disturbing national trend. That trend is the one of "overparenting" or "helicopter parents".

I have three children and I want nothing but the best for them. I have raised them to be godly, responsible, contributing members of society. I know that parenting is the world's most difficult job because these little people don't come with an owner's manual!

I was talking to a new friend the other day. She is four months pregnant with her first child. We talked about parenting - not as an extension of one's self, but as a responsibility toward another human being. A parent is responsible to raise their children to be kind, to learn to take responsibility for themselves, to know how to handle their emotions, to be compassionate and gracious, to be able to stand up for themselves and not be victims, and to be independent, strong and confident. I realize that's a tall order to fill.

How does one do all that? How does one know when one's child is ready for independence? How does one know how much independence to grant? How does one know when to step in and take charge? After all, parents are not supposed to be rescuers and enablers. Parents are supposed to be nurturers and examples.

I told my Mom recently that the best thing she and my Dad ever did for me what to make me figure things out on my own. When I had to move back home after flunking out of my first year in college, my parents were still raising three younger children. They did not have the time to rescue me. It was hard trying to figure out things on my own, but I did it. I don't think I'm psychology scarred because of that.

So many parents are so afraid their children will have to feel pain, either physical or emotional, and their fragile egos will be crushed beyond repair. I love to use examples from nature. My two favorites regarding children are the butterfly and the baby bird. When the butterfly emerges from its cocoon, it has to struggle. If we were to intervene and help the creature, we'd kill it. The butterfly has to experience that struggle so its wings will be strong and it will be able to fly. The same thing with a baby bird hatching from the egg. It has to struggle to get out of the egg. That struggle makes the chick strong.

Does this mean we abandon our responsibility in parenting? Heavens, no! But we need to allow our children to struggle through the hard times, knowing that we are there if they need us. Can you learn to walk for your 1-year old? No. She has to do it herself. How many times does she fall in the process? You are there to catch her and to comfort her.

The best gift we can give to our children is to to let them experience the challenge of struggle. If we do not allow them to experience struggle, they will never be able to fly. Stay tuned . . .

Finish What You Started

I just read a post by Deb Peterson. In the post, she stated a statistic - 40% of people who start at a four-year university never finish. I was part of that statistic two and a half years ago. Now, after all the work I have put into my degree, I cannot imagine not finishing. I cannot imagine not walking (across the stage to receive my degree) either.

What are some reasons people give for not finishing school? In my case, I flunked out of college, had to move back home and get my 2-year degree in three years. By then, I was discouraged and burned out on school. A year later, I got married and started my family.

I have heard a myriad of reasons for not finishing school: children too young, aging and/or sick parents, finances, divorce, economy, etc. Life happens. But don't let life keep you from fulfilling your dreams. Yes, school is a tad more difficult when you've been away from it for a while. So start small - take one class at the community college.

If you're unable to enroll in school at this time, get into the habit of learning anyway. Get on the local school's website and find out what's happening on campus - music recitals, cultural events, guest lecturers, etc. Sign up for a class through your local YMCA (anything from crafting to exercise to writing). Start a journal or a blog and document your journey back to school.

A wise man once said, "A journey begins with a single step." Like Deb Peterson said - don't just sit there and gripe about not having a degree. Go out and get it! You can do it! Finish what you started. Stay tuned . . .

Unbelievable!

This Sunday, May 24, 2009, my oldest son, Aaron, will graduate with honors from Berea College in Berea, KY with a double major in Communications and German. He will be doing his Master's work at the University of Tennessee in the fall. I am so proud of him, I could bust!

However, I find it just a tad unbelievable that I have a child that old! It seems like just yesterday (pardon my stroll down memory lane) -
1. That I was enduring 12 hours of natural childbirth to get this child into this world.
2. That he took his first steps at the ripe old age of 9 months.
3. That he was in Mrs. Foxhall's preschool class at Covenant Christian School in Mustang, OK and sang the "Star Spangled Banner" at a school assembly at the tender age of four.
4. That he graduated kindergarten early so we could move to Tennessee.
5. That he scored off the charts in all his achievement tests in grade school.
6. That he got angry with me because I told him high school Biology would be fun and it wasn't.
7. That I taught him how to drive a stick shift.
8. That he worked at Pratt's Country Store.
9. That he started high school.
10. That he was inducted into NHS.
11. That he graduated high school.
12. That he was accepted at Berea College.
13. That he went to Germany - several times.
14. That he grew to love Berea College and the people in the community of Berea.
15. That he grew to love Ashley.
16. That he got accepted to UT for his grad work.

Wow. What a life! And he's just beginning! I hope and pray nothing but the best for my son as he takes this next big step in his life. I know I will cry when he graduates - the tears only another mother can understand - pride, joy, and a little sorrow that the little boy who stood on the stage in Oklahoma and sang the "Star Spangled Banner" now exists only in my memory. But that's a good thing. There are many good Aaron memories in the treasure box of my heart and many more to be put in there.

As he goes forth from this place, may he look back with fondness and forward with confidence. Now is the time to see if those wings work! I love you, Aaron!

Stay tuned . . .

Participating in Your Children's Education

As a nontrad, I am pulled in several different directions at once - work demands, family demands and school demands. So when some of those demands blend together and become less demanding, it's a nice experience.

Several nights ago, I was standing in the kitchen eating my dinner. (I had gotten home from school late and was starving!) My daughter walked in and we began talking about the genocide in Rwanda in the 1990's. Megan is taking a Creative Writing class in school and they are learning how to write personal narratives. As an example, the teacher read to the class from the introduction of the book that the movie "Hotel Rwanda" is based on. Megan said she was shocked by what the author had to say, his experience and his perspective on the whole event. I had to do a project last semester in my history class re: the genocide in Rwanda. I purchased Gen. (Ret.) Dallaire's book, "Shake Hands With the Devil: The Failure of Humanity in Rwanda". Gen. Dallaire was the commander of the UN peacekeeping troops in Rwanda. Megan and I talked about the Rwandan genocide and both the US's and UN's failure to respond to it. She had some very probing questions. I took her to Gen. Dallaire's book and to some other research I had done. Megan was shocked that such an event could happen and that she didn't know anything about it (she was 3 at the time it occurred).

I was excited to be able to engage Megan in conversation about an event that is part of history, albeit not a very good part. She was excited to learn about primary sources (Gen. Dallaire's book), that not all events of that caliper make the news and that she could have an active part in learning about history. Megan told me that most of her history books and classes were very boring. I emailed my history prof and related the experience I had with Megan. He said he fondly remembers "teaching moments" with his own children.

As parents, we need to be participating in our children's education. That doesn't just mean helping them with their homework or chaperoning field trips. That means engaging them in conversation about what they are learning, listening to their thoughts and comments about the subjects they are exposed to, and creating an atmosphere where they can ask questions and not feel silly or stupid for asking those questions. Participating in your children's education is like digging with them in the dirt for worms. You show them where to dig, give them the proper tools to dig with, teach them how to dig and then you find that wriggly worm to put in the can. The wriggly worm is their question. It may seem a little uncomfortable or you may not know what to do with the worm, but you still need to pick it up, look at it and put it in the can. You'll get your hands dirty and it may get a tad smelly, but that's okay. In the end, the worm is in the can and you can go fishing!

If you're a nontrad and a parent, take time out of your education to participate in your children's education, too. It doesn't matter if they are in Kindergarten or a senior in college. You'll learn some really cool stuff from one another.

Stay tuned . . . . .